An unexpected Suprise!

A few weeks ago we had a gathering which I talked about in a previous blog, concerning a party for Eurovision. You know, the one were someone infected me with the lurgy....ah that one!

Well I'm over the lurgy, and suddenly remembered that I hadn't told you about a wonderful surprise that one of our guests brought with them.

My partner EJ had organised the get together, and invited some of our old 107 The Bee listeners along. Now, as alot of you fellow radio presenters will know, you often get quite a few fans who are a bit on the odd side....or as we call them in the industry...'window lickers'........but you also get some positively delightful listeners as well. These are the people that are a pleasure to bump into whilst out and about...buying toilet roll in the local store.......the 'window lickers' not so much.

Anyway, one of the guests at our get together was the lovely Michelle, who had said in previous meetings...in said local store....that she had something for me. So of course I was excited to see what it was, and when she arrived at our house she revealed all.......

After welcoming her into the house, she told me to shut my eyes...and hold out my hands.....normally this is weird at the best of times, even more so when it's a listener to your radio shows....god knows what they are going to put into your hands. As I held out my fingers, I felt something cold and hard in my hands....I opened my eyes, and the object you see above was in my grasp.

My response was something along the lines of...'f**k off'....said in a nice way....not in a, get out of my house way. I couldn't believe that she had first of all, found the item, and second saved it for so long, simply for the purpose of gifting it to me. I was flabbergasted to be honest. The item is a biscuit tin, in the shape of an old fashioned radio.....but with my radio nickname on the front.....AMAZING! It was just a lovely thing to be given....by someone who listened to me on the radio....it is weird the effect you have on people who hear you on the wireless, you don't really realise the fact that what you say sticks with people.....I mean, I just said whatever spilled out of my brain most of the time. 

It's just lovely to know that she enjoyed my shows that much, that she went to the effort of getting that tin, and saving it for me........I'm still totally taken aback by that.

Thank you Michelle, it now takes pride of place with my other novelty radio's.

10ft Away?

A few years ago, whilst looking out of my back window...I happened to glance up to the bird table, which I kept well stocked with bird food..and stale bread. When I saw something sat with it's back to me, filling it's face with nuts.....so of course I thought to myself...'Aw, there's a nice little grey squirrel helping itself to some food'. On closer inspection, I realised very quickly that it wasn't a squirrel at all...and was in fact a rather fat looking rat! I banged on the window, and off it went...never to be seen again.


Well today, it would seem that the rats have returned to the neighbourhood. The problem is that next doors back yard is overgrown and very unkempt, so the perfect hiding place for a family of rats no doubt. 


Now, I leave food out for the birdies on a regular basis, nuts, seeds, bread etc. and it would seem that the rats from next door have realised this and have made their way through the adjoining wall, and into my yard.


So allow me to introduce 'Stumpy'....named because he/she has half a tale...maybe through a fight...maybe through getting caught on something....who knows.....all I know is that Stumpy was going hell for leather, getting as much food as it's little mouth could carry, back into the wall from whence it came.


As long as Stumpy doesn't try and find his/her way into my abode, I'm not that bothered what it does. To be honest, Stumpy will do well to live past the weekend with all the neighbourhood cats that use my kitchen roof as a sun trap. Once one of them spots Stumpy, I think they will be enjoying a 'nut filled rat'!

Too much time on their hands!

Now, I love to moan and whinge with the best of them....ask my other half....but it baffles me what some people complain about. To the point of actually contacting Ofcom, and placing an official complaint about the most minor of things....that could remove a perfectly brilliant advert...or even get someone the sack...just for coming up with something creative and off the wall!


Today, there has been a list released revealing 'The Top 10 most complained about Adverts', as logged by Ofcom. Every single one, as far as I can see...clever advertising!


The video above is a 2005 KFC commercial, which depicts office staff enjoying the food so much, that they are singing with their mouths full....not sure why it deserved to get as many as 1,671 complaints....non of which were upheld. I could understand if it was a 'Venkys' advert (Rovers Fan), but it wasn't...just clever advertising. Maybe alot of people thought they should eat with their mouths shut....which I agree with...but I wouldn't pick up the phone, or write a letter to make an official complaint!


In at number three in the Top 10 was an advert for Paddy Power, which received 1,313 official complaints.

I own a cat, and I love her dearly...but I think this advert is hilarious...clever use of humour to get the message across. Anyone with any sense can see that no animals were harmed in the making of this advert, and if any chav moron thugs decide to recreate the commercial...that's their twisted messed up head doing it...not the influence of a television advert!


It really pisses me off, the way that people blame television, film, computer games and music for the actions of some individuals. You have to have a serious screw loose, and major mental problems to carry out criminal offences..then blame a CD that you listened to...or a video game that was so realistic that it made you think...yeah...I'll go and kill a load of people because the game told me to....jeez...get the straight jacket ready...because your a mental!!


During my career on the radio, I have managed to clock up one official Ofcom complaint...which is pretty good going with some of stuff that has spilled out of my gob! My complaint was for taking the piss out of the Conservatives, by ringing the HQ and trying to apply for William Hague's job when he resigned. Some devout blue in the local area took offence, and contacted Ofcom directly because they thought it was in bad taste........it was investigated.....then Ofcom said they weren't taking it any further because they didn't see a problem with it, after hearing the audio. 


There are so much more important things in this world worthy of spending the time and effort complaining about, than some of the shit, pointless things that seem to occupy peoples pathetic little lives!


Think about what you are about to complain about, before you pick up that phone...or that pen.........................or even that blog...........what do you know.....I'm complaining now....ha!

I'm Dying!

Ha! Not really, but I sure feel like death warmed up today. What is it about colds that completely stop men in their tracks.....it's pathetic! I can quite happily say this...because I am a bloke.


I was at my Mothers yesterday to help her celebrate her 21st Birthday again....(Happy Birthday if your reading this mum), and started to feel the cold taking hold then. On arriving home, things started to swell...my glands.....sicko's. Then the tingling feeling all over my body followed...that horrible feeling that if someone touched you...it would hurt! Every nerve ending starts to shiver, and you know that the next few days are going to be hell!


Of course they aren't, you just feel utterly terrible...and it's all about the sympathy votes you can gain.


The main problem with feeling like this...runny nose....sore throat...and banging head ache, is that it's not very helpful for my line of work...doing Voice Overs...using my voice, which is now temporally screwed. 


I'm currently on 'Ibuprofen' and warm 'Ribena'....there are other vitamin packed drinks out there of course. I'm hoping that this virus, that has decided to investigate my body, sods off very soon, because I'm not ill very often...so of course this has bothered me a tad!


Now, who do we point the finger at for infecting me.....well, I can think of two main culprits....one of which is my long time good friend 'Spence', and 'Timbo' who I've become friends with through Rossendale Radio. Both of which have been ill the last few weeks...more so Spence....he seems to suffer with colds alot...?


We had a bit of a fancy dress bash over the weekend, celebrating the car crash that is Eurovision....and of course supporting the 'Hump'....who as we all know now, did extremely badly.....I mean, being beaten by Jedward once again in the points must hurt......England that is?!? It is all down to politics of course, and the rest of Europe hating us. I think if we had Robbie Williams or Elton John sing our Eurovision song, we'd still get stuffed. 


Anyway, at said party, alot of booze was consumed (mainly to help with watching Eurovision), and Spence was 'again' feeling a little under the weather....so my finger is well and truly pointing at him as the host for the dreaded virus, which now resides inside me.


Maybe I should call everyone to a meeting...Miss Marple stylie, and announce who the poisoner is......'I've gathered you all here, to reveal who has made me feel like a pathetic sniveling human being, who is finding it hard to even type this drivel'......'It was you Spence...wasn't it...with your long working hours, lack of sleep and studio germs'!.....'Take him away, lady dressed as a Disco Ball....and put him to bed....tuck him in, and make sure that he gets his full eight hours sleep'!


Either way, apologies to the next person that I no doubt will infect.....just hope it's not my mum....Happy Birthday...Love You.

Shaken not Stirred!

We had the official release of the new Bond blockbuster trailer today....'Skyfall', with of course Daniel Craig in the lead role once again. 


It features all the tell tale signs, and indicators that should be in Bond movie...beautiful women....tailored suits....explosions....car chases......suave Bond.....and a mysterious baddie in the shadows....ooooo exciting!


Now, the Bond movies have been around for some time, and I've always been a fan of them....even with Timothy Dalton, but has the original charm gone from the silver screen version of our patriotic spy hero? 


At this point I have to admit that I preferred the humour aspect provided by Roger Moore, and of course the legend Sean Connery. That element seems to have disappeared over the years, but Pierce Brosnan was a welcome addition to the Bond family, bringing his comedy delivery and dashing good looks to the role. When I found out that Brosnan was moving aside for a younger Bond to take over, I was a little worried that the role would become a bit of a over egged pudding.....but I like the style and feel of Daniel Craig in the role. 


Going against the stereotype Bond....tall, dark and hansom.....Craig is stocky and blonde....shock horror....a blonde Bond! Although saying that, they do seem to have toned down his hair colour for this new film. Since the introduction of Craig to Bond, the films style has changed dramatically as well...going darker and more gritty...this not a bad thing in my books. I always thought the original movies were always a little too technicolour....but then, that was the style back then. It just always seemed wrong for it to be so colourful, when there was so much death around....I mean, Bond did bump off quite alot of people didn't he.....all deserving of it of course. Hence the fact that Bond has had to move with the times, and most movies recently have gone dark.....again, I like this feel. If you were a trained killer, you wouldn't ideally be running around in broad daylight....you'd be hiding in the shadows....tightly holding your Walther PPK, waiting for that perfect moment to take out your target.....I imagine.


The one thing that has disappeared from the recent movies, are the over the top secret hide aways.....and where are the shark tanks that we all used to know and love....waiting for that informant to stand in just the right place, so the button could be pressed and he becomes fish food.


Two things that have stayed with all the movies...is that Bond is always cool as a cucumber straight from the fridge....and the beautiful ladies that simply flock to be near him. Boy oh boy there's been some absolute stunners hasn't there!?! I've always wondered if even Bond has had one too many Martinis...shaken not stirred....and woken up the next morning with a swamp donkey....or do you think that simply wouldn't happen, because it's Bond, and he wouldn't lower himself to that old saying 'It's ten to two....you'll do'!


As you can probably tell, I am a tad jealous of the lifestyle that Bond gets to have....not the shooting, strangling, stabbing, running over, punching, kicking, biting, gouging, head butting, nut grabbing, detonating, flame throwing, neck breaking, parachuting.....actually come to think of it, I am incredibly jealous of everything the character is able to do.....drive fast expensive cars, have any beautiful lady he desires, shoot a man from a mile away, kill someone with his little finger....and be able to walk out of the ocean wearing boxing trunks without ladies laughing at how small my manhood is.....hung like a pigmy shrew.


So the new super cool Bond film 'Skyfall' is out 26th October 2012, put it in your diary, and between now and then...try to get as many cheesy Bond one liners into conversation as you can!

Stop being Pretentious!

I was looking at some showbiz gubbins on line earlier, watching in interview with the director of the apparently awful 'Battleship'...I haven't had the miss fortune yet to see Rihanna in her big screen acting debut...I've heard it's not great...anyway, when the vid finished, one of the next selections was this wonderful VW concept car (see above), designed I'm guessing by a competition winner (who appears at the end of the clip). The car doesn't exist of course, but what a wonderful prize...your design coming to life on the big screen, in front of your friends and family...nice!


Now, I have absolutely no idea what is being said in the video, but you can kind of get the gist of how the concept car might work, and how it may look if created. The reason why I'm talking about this today, is because I'm sick and tired of all the pretentious car adverts out there, infecting my magic picture box. There are so many b******t adverts for massive gas guzzling vehicles at the moment...it seems that there is really only one company who still have the right idea of how to advertise their cars....VW! They have always been very clever with their promotions, often using humour, but never patronising...always making you think...or smile.


The type of car adverts I hate usually consist of the gas guzzler zooming around a busy city centre...avoiding cartoon characters...? Or driving around a beautiful landscape, occupied by the perfect family..model mum...model dad...and well behaved children in the back, looking at the gorgeous landscape as it whistles by...along with dads overdraft...as he can't afford to fill the thing...or keep up with the down payments for his new toy! They just tend to over complicate things...when it's so not needed.....I seriously think in most cases, if it's a totally over the top advertisement...it usually means the car is utter poop!


Here is a prime example of one of the television adverts that really gets on my wick, every time it appears :

It's just way over the top, too much like, 'I should have taken a red pill to understand it'...I mean I get what it's all about, helping the bird escape her trapped reality..and the car allows her to do that..and of course you...but jeez, does it need to be that 'Matrixy'?


A great film starring, the sadly no longer with us Dudley Moore, is 'Crazy People'....which was all about honest advertising...and I'd love it, if someone out there, in charge of a car company would have the balls to attempt something like this:

If they were just more honest with us....I think as consumers, we'd appreciate it more...do you not think?


One of my all time favourite television car adverts was for the brand new VW Beetle when it was relaunched back in 1998. Now I used to have a classic 1974 VW Beetle, and I certainly didn't buy it for it's comfort...speed....suspension...handling....heating...no, I bought it because I fell in love with it. It just screams personality...here's a pic of what mine looked like :

I adored and cherished this car..polished and waxed it every Sunday come rain or shine, and spent a huge amount of money keeping it on the road....then it died...a quite painful death just outside Birmingham on Christmas Eve....what a time to go eh? 


I was giving a lift to a good friend of mine 'Cider Boy'...the name says it all really...and I decided that it would be a good idea to travel during the night from Ipswich to Cumbria...a long old stint in a car with next to no heating...on Christmas Eve...ha! As anyone will know, who's owned a classic Beetle, you need to keep the quarter windows open..otherwise the car steams up, and if your sat in the back of the car...you need thermals..and a cushion. So we are pootling along, and I start to hear a tapping sound from the engine in the back...behind Cider Boy. He looks out of the rear window, and says he can see smoke...then says 'Drive faster...outrun the smoke'! Seeing as the smoke was coming from us, I didn't think there was any chance of us out running it. 


The tapping got louder, and Cider Boy said that there were now flames bellowing from the rear, which must have looked quite impressive to anyone driving down the same stretch of motorway at 2am in the morning..but we were the only fools attempting this journey in the early hours. Cider Boy begin to chortle to himself as I got more and more angry at the situation...his chortles turning to laughter as the car let out an almighty BANG...and then nothing....and we coasted to the hard shoulder, my anger now as hot as the engine. The air in the car was as blue as Cider Boys nose, as I swore my little head off...banging the sport steering wheel, I had only bought the previous week!!


Cider Boy, now in fits of laughter at the situation suggested looking for a brake down phone by the roadside. I didn't fancy getting out of the car, as it was bucketing down outside...and about minus five, but we did, and on route a cop car pulled up alongside us. As we both stood there in the heavy rain, the window came down and we could feel the heat from inside...next a torch is shone in our faces, and the cop says ' Morning lads...is that your Beetle back there'? Er, yes officer...or do you think we just fancied a stroll on the motorway at 2am in the morning, getting piss wrapped!?! Of course I didn't say that...just in my head...I did say 'Any chance you can give us a lift down to the nearest brake down phone'? The copper said 'No'...and wished us a merry Xmas...then drove off....well cheers! 


After finding the phone, and making the call to come and pick us up, we trudged back to my dying car in the rain. Cider Boy, still giggling at me, clocked the brake down truck, and suggested we got out. The brake down guy was an interesting chap....Brummie...and a bit of a comedian in his spare time. After strapping my poor car to his truck he said 'My truck has just gone down in value, with that piece of crap on the back of it...haha'! I smiled through gritted teeth, and we got in the truck. The comedian dropped us off at a rather horrible greasy cafe, and proceeded to then bill me for the privilege of his company, and the use of his truck. It was then I realised that I didn't have enough money on me to pay for this wondrous service...I said that I would ring my father, to see if he would pay. So that was an interesting call to make...'Hello dad....merry Xmas...er...the car has blown up on the motorway...could you pick me up...and...pay for the breakdown costs'?....after a few stern words he agreed to pay and make the journey down to pick us up...(thank you dad if your reading this).


As Cider Boy and myself stepped out of the oily breakdown office, the sun was starting to come up over Birmingham...and there in the car park...sat my car...dead. Nothing we could do, but go in the greasy cafe, and wait for my father to come and rescue us. When my dad eventually arrived, a decision had to be made...what to do with my cherished Beetle...I couldn't afford a new engine...so we chose to leave it there in the car park of the greasy cafe. It was the weirdest feeling, leaving it there...it truly was heart wrenching to just drive off, and leave it to the elements.


You'll be pleased to hear that it wasn't the end for that plucky car. We phoned a guy we knew who did up Beetles, and basically said to him that the car was his if he went and got it...he agreed, and as far as I know, the car is still driving around now.


Sorry, went off the beaten track there again....back to my favourite telly car advert. Like I said earlier, it was a teaser ad for the brand new look Beetle...and when I saw it on my magic picture box, I was totally blown away by how clever it was...and, it made me buy the 'Aqualung' album as well....here it is :

So simple, and so clever...everyone knew that this was going to be an advert for the brand new Beetle, so of course fans of the classic wanted to see what it looked like....but you hardly see it....all you see, are people transfixed by the car as it drives by...genius!


You can't top that car advert as far as I'm concerned, but VW have come up with another winner again with this one :

Again, using humour to make you like the car...and, always fantastic to see Star Wars references in television commercials...love it! 

My Hernia has popped Out!

It's the end of the English Premier League for another year...and what a way to end it!


I don't want to utter too many cliches, but there were highs, and of course lows...as with every football season...but more so this year!


If you follow English football, you'll know what I'm talking about..if you don't, then you have missed out on real drama...drama good enough to rival stuck up, pretentious theatre plays in London. You see, it all came down to the last weekend of the season to decide who won the Premier League title...and what made it even more sweeter, was the fact that it was two great rivals competing for that coveted trophy...Manchester United...and...Manchester City.


I shall describe to you what happened in my lounge, in front of the magic picture box yesterday in a moment, but first...what happened to my team...Blackburn Rovers...also in the Premier League...but no longer. 


Blackburn Rovers, who I have supported since 1989, when they had no money, and built their squad from local talent and experienced cast offs from around the leagues...have this season been relegated to the lower division. What happened to this once mighty club, who are in an elite group of teams who have won the Premier League....they were sold to chicken farmers, who know next to nowt about football..or what the club stood for, and represented in the local community. Rovers had been struggling financially for some time, since 'Uncle Jack's' money ran out...the same money that improved the stadium they occupy...and the same money that of course bought the Premier League title in the 1994-1995 season. The then board 'The Walker Trust', had a decision to make...battle on....or sell up and cut your loses.......they opted for the latter. Unfortunately they sold to the Venky's, who know alot about chickens...but not alot about football...and in their non existent knowledge they decided to sack the one man who probably could have kept us in the league...Big Sam Allardyce. We wouldn't have been top of the table, and we wouldn't have been bottom...somewhere in the middle if they had stuck with him. Another thing they promised (The Venky's), was investment in the squad...did it happen....erm...no. We ended up losing our best players, and using the small profit from their sales to buy some not so great players...apart from The Big Yak, who has been a bargain! 


The season has gone from the ridiculous, to the down right miserable. Promises were made from our non present chicken farmer owners that were never kept, and our man at the helm of this ever sinking ship, just kept looking at the positives. Now I commend him for this, but Steve Kean has got to admit to himself, and the fans, that this season has been a shambles...and no it isn't going to be alright next season..because our remaining skillful players will leave to stay in the Premier League with other teams. I totally lay blame on the shoulders of the majority of the players, not all of them...some have put in some magnificent performances...others not so much. The squad have to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask themselves..did they want to stay up...because from what I witnessed from the games I saw..there wasn't enough passion to survive. Eleven players on the pitch should all be putting a shift in, but too many times, it didn't look they could be bothered...and that angered me so much! They have been given this wonderous opportunity, to play football for a living...and get paid a huge amount of money to do so....yet they don't seem to realise who pays their wages.....the fans! If the fans don't like what they see, they will protest...as they did, in their droves...and more so, towards the end of the season....directing their anger at the manager....who give him his due, kept his nerve, under ridiculous pressure from the baying mob...and tried to get on with the job in hand. You can't blame Steve Kean...he didn't play one game for Rovers...not once did he pull on a shirt, tie his boots, and come on as a sub....blame the players.....you morons in the crowd! They are the ones who didn't put a shift in...even though they are getting more money in a week, than most of you get in a year.


If anyone is to blame in all this realistically.....it's the Walker Trust...for panicking, and selling out to totally the wrong people....soap box moment over.


So back to what I started this blog about in the first place...the big game yesterday. Manchester City needed to win their match against Queens Park Rangers to win the title...Manchester United needed to win their match, but also needed City to not win...both on the same points, but City had the goal difference in their favour. Anyway, the scene was set, both matches kick off at the same time, and I had decided to watch the City game, because it was theirs to lose....plus I hate United, so I pledged my support to the blue half of Manchester.


The match kicked off, and the tension was unbearable from the first whistle...you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. It was all City in the first half..trying to get that all important break through....then Zabaleta seized his opportunity...with a lucky goal that looped it's way over the top of the QPR keeper, and into the net. I cheered as it crossed the line, and some of the tension was released from my body..(not like that...sicko). Again, it was all City, trying to get another goal...then, who should pop up..Djibril Cisse, taking advantage of some poor defending courtesy of Lescott for City..and Cisse's power and speed took him through on goal with the ball, and struck hard and low past Jo Hart to draw it level. This was becoming too much to handle, especially as news was coming through that Rooney had scored for United, meaning at that stage, United were top of the table. Then more drama, the thug..Joey Barton (who shouldn't be playing football), lashed out at Tevez...then kicking in frustration Aguero, after being given the red card. As he was pulled from the field, Mario Balotelli tried to get in on the action...it begs the question...why have a t-shirt asking 'Why always me'....when it is always you...being a knob!


Then against the run of play, which is entirely City, QPR go and score again...which is a great goal by Mackie....a fantastic powerful header into the ground, that evades the sprawling arm of Hart once again. Thus making it 1-2 to QPR, and meaning that United are going to win the title.......phew...this game is taking it out of me.


By this stage of the match, I've already had a couple of bevvies, and I'm really getting quite involved in this amazing game of football. Alot of shouting at the magic picture box, and shuffling around in my chair as Dzeko is brought on for City in the latter stages of the match. Now Dzeko hasn't had the best of seasons...so I was wondering whether he would be up for the task at hand....and boy was he!! In the dying minutes of normal play, the huge Bosnian managed to find space in the QPR penalty area, and smashed a great header into the back of the net....absolute craziness ensued! The City crowd go mental, and so do I as the players grab the ball and run back to the centre circle ready to kick off. They only had seconds to score the winner, that would clinch the title from their arch rivals United....at this point I was off my settee and just inches from my screen...clutching my pint glass, screaming at the telly 'COME ON CITY..YOU'VE STILL GOT TIME'!!


Then something truly unbelievable happened....(see video).....I cannot describe to you what noise came out of my mouth...but I haven't made a noise like that, since watching Blackburn Rovers when they were at their peak.....and it's been a while.....I yelled so hard that my Hernia popped out (I have a hernia by the way)...it was almost like he wanted to join in the celebrations!! I felt utter euphoria for the players...the manager....but most of all the fans....who had been on the worlds biggest roller coaster...and survived!!


The Manchester City players showed real guts, passion and belief that they could win that game....and it paid off...they got their reward...and gave me, one of the most entertaining, exhilarating games of football I've seen in such a long time.....and I thank you for that!